Make it Make Sense: 3 Lessons We Gain from Trauma

Hi friends!

I hope you are taking good care of yourself in this spring season of weddings and graduations and Mother's Day and the school year winding down, etc. I know that for me, this year especially, I have noticed the graduation and holidays hitting harder than normal. I'm not entirely sure why, and I want to normalize that for you as well. Sometimes, seasons just strike us differently from year to year, and even therapists don't always know why this is.

I digress.

Anyways, I was having a conversation with a colleague today, and we were talking about... trauma, particularly childhood trauma from parents or caregivers. My colleague was discussing something that their mother had done to them in childhood that clearly demonstrated the lack of attachment/caring their parent received as a child. And I responded saying, "Well, that makes sense, and it still doesn't make it okay." Thus, the idea for this post was born. If you are working through trauma, especially from childhood or close personal relationships, at some point in your healing journey, you will recognize three things:

"It's not my fault."

Before healing, we often take on the responsibility of other people's behavior when it really has very little to do with us. We may find ourselves making excuses for a parent or caregiver who just couldn't or wouldn't show up in the ways we needed them to. Telling our small hurting child selves inside, 'Mom hit me because I was a hard child.' Or 'Grandpa sexually abused me because I never said no when it happened the first time." Part of working through trauma is releasing our child selves from the responsibility or guilt associated with someone else's decisions, actions or neglect.

"This wasn't normal or okay."

A pattern I've noticed over years of doing trauma therapy is that people often will tell me things about their childhood or in their relationships that would make a 'normal' person just drop their jaw in horror. And clients will be totally unaware initially how concerning the story they are telling me is. The moment we start to make some headway is when I can say to them gently, "You know, the feeling of discomfort or fear or unease you experienced is because what happened to you wasn't normal, and it wasn't okay." The relief people feel when they understand that their bodies and minds were reacting very normally to abnormal circumstances is a game changer for most.

"And now that I know more, what happened to me does make some sense. However, just because I can understand the context of someone's past wounded behavior, still doesn't make their actions justifiable or okay."

Whew. This one is the hardest for people, and it's because it requires us to move from a cognitive understanding of trauma and why it occurred into a soul-level understanding.

What do I mean by that? Soul level means you're able to see things for what they were, and your view of yourself no longer is held to the standard of your biggest wounds. Soul-level understanding often equates to forgiveness of the people who have hurt us, but not giving them increased access to our lives, our families, our careers, etc. You can love someone who hurts you, but with deep healing, you choose to love them from afar and with appropriate boundaries. When you've done the healing work, you can recognize that all people hurt people, and your view of the aggressors in your life might be more compassionate than before. And yet, you won't give them more room to wreak havoc or cause pain. That's change on a cellular/soul level. That's change that is generational and lasting. That is the healing we therapists hope for, for all of our clients.

Let me know if you are interested in partnering together to learn how these three lessons from trauma can apply to your life in particular. Know that I am rooting for you and your success.

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Hurry Up and Wait

Hi friends! I hope your healing journey is going well. My mental wellbeing always tends to thrive in the Spring and Summertime, with the warm sunlight and the increase in daytime hours in the evening. I know this isn't true for everybody, and if that isn't true for you, know that I am thinking of you and hope your healing comes to you quickly.

Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

This brings us to the topic of today's blog: waiting. My husband and I are selling our house (we moved a few months back to a new home that better fits our needs as a family). If you want to learn a valuable lesson about waiting, then there is no better process than selling a home (or being pregnant, or getting a degree, writing a book, etc.). We originally listed our house and got a buyer, but that fell through, due to some really hard circumstances for the buyer. So we relisted, and we waited. And the waiting wasn't even that long (we are now under contract again, and back to the waiting). It was the anxiety I felt in the waiting that was so difficult. I struggled with the unknown and sitting with the discomfort of not knowing, of not being certain, was really hard. And I sense that is hard for many of us. Human beings like certainty and they like speed, and unfortunately life doesn't always work like that.

Many years ago, I had a cascade of anxiety symptoms. I'm talking like I was crying daily, couldn't function, had panic attacks, felt totally miserable, and when I went to get help, my sweet therapist at the time said, "Anxiety is all about not being comfortable with waiting and being uncomfortable in that." So I learned how to wait well, and eventually my anxiety became manageable again. Waiting well means giving yourself the ability to cede control to only those things you can control. It means exercising, and breathing, and sitting solidly in your ability to manage, even when things feel unmanageable. It means staying busy and making your corner of the world good, even when things are really hard. Waiting well means feeling the fear and doing it anyways.

Here are some tips for everyone in a waiting process, whether that be selling a home, trying to conceive a child, getting married, getting divorced, wondering about recent test results, etc.

1. Distract. Focusing on the silence and unknown can lead to some panicky thoughts.

2. De-fang your negative thoughts by asking yourself this: "Will this problem matter in five years time? Will I be in a different or better place then?"

3. Remind yourself of the 'burnt toast' theory. Sometimes, when you are stuck waiting, the universe or God or your higher power is protecting you from another outcome. The time you spend waiting on a new piece of toast could have protected you from a car accident, a terrorist attack, a bad relationship, etc. Waiting can be a good thing. Things fall apart, so better things can come together.

4. Determine that you will be okay, no matter the outcome. We don't control much in this lifetime, and learning to be okay with what you do have control over will relieve you of much stress and tension.

5. Give yourself a select amount of worrying time. Truly. Set a timer and have a worry time each day, and when the worries come up any other time, remind yourself that you can worry during your worrying time.

6. Find ways to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) that work for you. Meditation is great, but it isn't for everybody. The PNS responds well to humming, chanting, singing, swaying, listening to music, gentle movement, being in water (like a bath) or deep breathing.

Know that I am rooting for you. I hope you find this blog interesting and helpful for you and your journey.

How to Cope When Tragedy Happens

Hi friends! I hope you are doing well. I apologize for the bit of a hiatus. I only write when inspiration strikes, which is probably not advisable if you want people to read your blog, but "I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!" (Quick! Name that movie!)

When I say that, I mean that I probably won't always post consistently and it just is what it is. I've given myself permission to not be perfect or adhere to a schedule, and I'm happy to give you the permission to just be as well.

Onto the heavy topic of today's blog... How do we cope when the world appears to have one tragedy after another? Today, I'm thinking of the Covenant School shooting. And whenever I do, I am bereft. I know what it is to lose a child. I don't know what it is to send your baby to school, and expect to pick them up that evening, and instead have to identify their bodies by their shoes or clothes that night. I hope that I never know what that feels like. I hope that change is coming.

Tomorrow, I could be referencing something else tragic from around the world. The reality is we live on a planet that is rife with sadness and cruelty and hatred and bigotry and anger and violence. We *know* this to be true. And yet, how do we manage to take care of our fears and hold our grief when there is a never-ending train of trauma to consume? I propose that there are steps to increasing our resilience while also giving space for our sadness.

The first step would be to limit your news consumption to one (1) source (radio, TV, print, etc.). I would argue that the media's job is not to increase your knowledge on a subject, but to arouse your ire. Anger and fear have a purpose, but do you want the media to be telling you what to think or who to be afraid of? The solution is to reduce your consumption to one category, and then find three sources within that category from three differing political views on the spectrum. This gives you a more balanced view of the situation. This also requires more work, and more critical thinking, which is on the decline.

The second step would be to hold your emotions in ways that are meaningful to you. We don't often allow emotions to 'complete the cycle' in our fast paced society, which is why we are an anxious nation. For me, I listen to music when I am sad or angry, and give myself room to express during the length of the song whatever I am feeling. Allowing my body to complete the feelings cycle then gives me the fortitude to keep going, and reduces the likelihood of a nasty rebound of negative feelings later on in the form of nightmares or panic attacks. Once I've allowed myself time to feel whatever I need to, I dust myself off after a song or two, and move into the third step.

Thirdly, it would behoove all of us to find ways to take action. Grief without purpose is stagnant and painful. Anger without action turns to rage. Search for groups to work with (grassroots organizations, lobbying groups, volunteer organizations, etc.) and give of your time and energy. Allow your feelings to be your motivation. Press forward for all the people who cannot. Call your congress members. Write your state legislators. Find peace in pushing, moving, acting.

Finally, recognize that while we do live in a harsh world with absolutely horrific problems, we also reside in a world where a toddler can stop and stare at a ladybug on a flower. Our planet contains the grandeur of the Grand Canyon, the mystical beauty of the Taj Mahal, and has the Northern Lights dancing across the night sky. If you're living in a country not torn apart by war, in a shelter with a roof over your head, and beauty and rest are available to you when you need them, then things are not entirely dire. If you can look out your window, and see the horizon clearly with the sunshine piercing through, then the world is and can still be good. If you have the freedom to dance, sing, chant, and pray, then this life is still good, even with tragedy lurking in the darkness. This planet needs good people working in their unique corner of the universe to bring about that which is true, beautiful and good. Those people are you, dear readers.

Know that I am thinking of you all in these times. I pray that you recognize the beauty in your life, and are able to hold your fears and pad your soul when these events happen. It is my belief that most people are doing the best they can with what they have, so let us be gentle with each other in our discourses online or in person. We never know what someone else is going through.

Take care of yourself and those you love,