Woman, Take Up Space

Woman,

take up

s p a c e.

Thunderous, thick, abundant thighs and soft belly.

Buttons that gape, oversized shirts so no one sees

A roll when sitting down, in too-tight jeans.

Furrows between brows, creases and sun-spotted hands.

Silver threads in dark hair.

Woman,

take up

s p a c e.

Loud laughter with snorts sprinkled in.

Desperate, quiet tears at night, alone.

Ecstasy washing over you when dancing, loving, singing, swaying.

Unrepentant joy and slivers of sorrow, mixed together.

Hungry to be seen, heard and valued, just as you are.

Woman,

take up

s p a c e.

'Bossy' becomes you.

'Sassy' transforms into bold.

'Aggressive?' You? No.

You're occupying a world that wants you to play small,

to be visible, young, and beautiful,

yet silent, still, and sad.

Woman,

take up

s p a c e.

For women all over the world

Who cannot speak.

Who cannot love.

Who cannot leave.

Who cannot march.

Woman,

take up

s p a c e.

-Megan Secrest

Holding onto Junk (Literal and Metaphorical)

Photo by Christian Fickinger on Unsplash

Hi friends! Sometimes, I wonder what to write about, and sometimes, something happens to smack me in the face with just the right amount of inspiration. I hope you can appreciate my small journey to getting rid of junk and moving into the future, unburdened by the past.

The event that sparked this post: packing up old baby clothes. For many who know me, I have had an interesting/sad/joyous/complicated journey to motherhood: my first child was born with a fatal birth defect and was stillborn, then I had three miscarriages and finally got pregnant with my daughter and had her almost three years ago. Since then, we have discussed growing our family but have had trouble making that happen for a variety of reasons. How does going through old baby clothes relate to my motherhood journey? For a long time, I told myself that I was 'saving' our daughter's baby clothes for the next baby. And then the next baby didn't come. And didn't come. And didn't come. As of the publishing of this post, a positive pregnancy test has still not arrived in my life. Here's the kicker: it may never happen for us again. That is a real possibility.

When I opened the closet door in the old nursery, tiny onesies, old boxes and a car seat basically came tumbling out. It seemed an apt metaphor for my waiting/grieving process. My soul felt clogged up with the grief of losing children, the unrealized dream of having siblings for our daughter, and the resentment of not being able to have a baby "easily" like other people (although, I know that having babies "easily" comes with its own set of challenges). I wanted to hold onto junk (literally some it of was junk-think stained bibs and old diaper boxes), because I was struggling with letting go of the future I had planned in my head. When I was a teenager, I told people I wanted six (6!) children when I grew up and got married. And here's the weird part, that dream has basically happened, but it doesn't look anything like what I had pictured 15+ years ago. I have five children, four of whom are in Heaven, and only one child Earthside. Holding onto old baby clothes/gear isn't going to make that reality any different, and it won't make the sadness sting any less.

So, how does this relate to you? Well, if you're a 'normal' American, I can guarantee you are holding onto stuff. Our garages are packed full, our closets are stuffed to the brim, and we may have 1-2 junk drawers in our kitchen that we can't even open because of all the crap inside. You've probably inherited things from family members, and you've wondered if you 'should' get rid of family heirlooms. If you're like me, maybe you're ready to finally let go of some of that junk, both literal and metaphorical, and move forward. Maybe it's time to go through a closet, and finally get rid of the clothes you keep telling yourself you're going to "lose 20 pounds and then fit into," because looking at them just makes you feel bad about your body. Maybe it's time to rifle through your filing system and throw away old cards and mementos, because the memories are still in your heart, even if the paper isn't crammed into your filing cabinet. Maybe it's time to scan in old pictures and create a digital keepsake album, because the photos getting bent at the bottom of a drawer doesn't show how much you love them. Maybe you need to look through your home and decide if any of the furniture isn't actually your style or doesn't fit your life.

Here's the four step process to getting rid of junk (both physically and spiritually/emotionally):

1. Pull it all out. Take a deep breath. Dive in.

2. Give yourself space to feel whatever emotions you need to, as you go through old things. You can cry, laugh, grit your teeth, etc.

3. Put the stuff into two piles: trash and donate.

4. Then gather the trash pile up, and take it immediately to the dumpster. Put the donations in your car and drive to the thrift store immediately and give it away. Don't hold onto it. It's not part of your journey anymore.

Get rid of the junk. You deserve a future that is bright, and joy-filled, even if you had originally pictured something different. You deserve to be free, and holding onto heavy baggage ain't gonna be the way you get there. I'm rooting for you, even if you cry the whole time you go through things. I cried, too, on a Sunday afternoon, holding a watermelon onesie, and then I put it in the donation bag and gave it away. I am better for it, and you will be too!

Take care of yourself,

2023: The Year of Consistency

Hi friends! Happy New Year! Maybe you're like me and you've tried new year's resolutions in the past with limited success, or lots of failure. Or perhaps you're tired of the rhetoric around the "New Year, New Me!" Regardless, it's okay to just focus on living and not trying to revolutionize yourself every cycle around the sun. However, you may enjoy picking an area of focus for the year. Or you like the refreshment that comes with a new year. I'm trying to find the sweet spot between the two camps: doing nothing, and doing everything (for about 9 days and then giving up-real talk!).

Photo by Matt Hoffman on Unsplash

I thought I would share my area of focus this year. (Just in case you were curious what therapists focus on every year... LOL.) I can tell you I'm human just like you. I've gained and lost weight countless times. I still can't quite get organized. I still save money haphazardly. My laundry piles are freakin' everywhere. I'm not perfect, and so my focus for the year isn't perfection. My word for 2023 is "consistency." What does this entail? To me, it means showing up, day in and day out. For example, I'm focusing less on exercise and more on joyful movement, which sounds much more appealing, in my humble opinion. I'm tracking my meals and snacks, not to lose weight, but instead to work on being more aware. I'm being consistent in my mindfulness and spirituality/prayer practices. I'm making a 'to-do' list of just 3-5 things per day, and I'm working on accomplishing those. I'm spending some time outside every. single. day. I'm not punishing myself with mean thoughts or harsh criticisms when I don't measure up. Because with consistency being the focus, the only way I don't measure up is if I don't show up at all. I can do this. You can, too.

If you need permission from a therapist to choose a "boring" resolution, like mine, here it is. You don't have to lose weight, make six figures, write the next great American novel, dump that shitty boyfriend (okay, but you do need to do that!), or chase perfection this year. You don't have to prove your value by setting lofty goals. You are worthy simply by existing. Resolutions should be something that enhances your experience of your existence, not something else that makes you feel 'less than.' Life is best experienced by simply being, and giving ourselves the space to start fresh over and over again, without beating ourselves up for needing to do so. Choosing a 'word' or a focus for the new year might be just what you need.

Here are some helpful thoughts from your friendly local neighborhood therapist to assist you in shifting focus this year:

• I am worthy of love and belonging.

• My circumstances will change but my contentment will remain the same.

• I work hard, and I deserve to rest.

• I am enough.

• I show my family I love them daily through my words, my actions, and my thoughts.

• I am grateful for all that I have and all that I will come to have.

• Boundaries are my new best friend.

• I know that the right people, relationships, jobs, opportunities, etc., will come to me.

• I am always working towards who I am meant to be.

• "Be who God meant to be, and you will set the world on fire." (I stole this one from St. Catherine of Siena, but man is it a good one!!)

If you are looking for assistance in finding your 'focus' this year, or further your healing, feel free to email me at info@giftofgritcounseling.com. I'd love to chat with you, and see if I can help you find the sweet spot between resolutions and results, with a big dose of peace and joy added in.

Take exquisite care of yourself,