Maybe What You Need is a 'Steel Magnolias' Cryfest: The Healing Power of Tears

Hi friends,

I hope you are doing well. I am good, although busy and slightly overwhelmed with the holiday season we are in currently.

Today, I thought I would tell a personal story, and I promise that it will be relevant to you. Here's what I want you to keep in mind: Many of the clients I see are ashamed of their tears. They feel vulnerable when they cry. It's scary to feel that way, and perhaps they even grew up in homes where they weren't allowed to cry. Ever. Maybe they feel out of control when they cry. Many of them apologize for crying in my office, which is literally the place to cry.

With that in mind, what do we do when you need to cry, like really really need to? You know that moment, where your eyes are stinging, you can feel the liquid welling up under your eyelids and there's a burning in your throat that won't cease. But you just can't or won't allow yourself the reprieve and relief of tears falling down your face.

Have you ever wondered what the benefit of tears are? Well, tears are essential to healing and emotional regulation. Here's a couple of interesting facts about crying:

• Crying actively releases cortisol, one of the stress hormones. It's a way for your body to self-regulate, and by suppressing this urge, we actually increase our levels of stress hormones in the body. (Vingerhoets AJJM, Kirschbaum C.,1997.).

• Crying is also a self-soothing behavior (Gračanin A, Bylsma LM, Vingerhoets AJ. , 2014.). It helps you activate your Parasympathetic Nervous System, which is your rest and digestion system.

• Crying also helps to clear bacteria from your eyes, and may even reduce your susceptibility to the ill effects of dangerous substances, like anthrax. (Sung K, Khan SA, Nawaz MS, Cerniglia CE, Tamplin ML, Phillips RW, Kelley LC., 2011).

Now that we've got the science out of the way and you believe me that a good cry is just what you need. Please allow me to share a personal story with you to make it even more evident.

"Nana," my maternal grandmother, experienced a tragic car accident at 44 when a disabled driver crossed the median, resulting in a collision. The driver and his passenger both lost their lives, and although my grandmother was expected to die, she miraculously survived after being extracted from the car by the 'jaws of life.' At the time, my mother was 27 and just two weeks away from marrying my father. Consequently, Nana embarked on a lifelong journey of recovery from the accident's impact, which left her face crushed, her ankles shattered, and her back compressed and twisted.

Needless to say, multiple lives, including those of my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother, were irrevocably altered at that moment. One summer evening, several years before Nana's passing, she and Aunt Nita (my mom's sister) tallied up the number of surgeries my grandmother had undergone since that fateful day. They stopped counting after reaching 50 procedures.

The summer I turned 16, my grandmother had back surgery that went awry, resulting in a serious infection. To combat the infection and treat the original back injuries from the car accident, she required 7 surgeries during the sweltering months of July and August. Each day, my mother undertook a one-and-a-half-hour round trip to consult with the doctor and be there for my grandmother, who was often unconscious and gravely ill. That summer was challenging for all of us.

This is where the story touches on tears and the impact of crying. One day, my mother returned home with a DVD case from BlockBuster (do you remember the thrill of those blue DVD cases?), and told me, "I'm feeling very sad and I know I need to cry, but I just can't. I can't seem to make it happen. So I'm going to watch 'Steel Magnolias' and cry. You're welcome to watch it with me, but just be aware that's what I need to do."

We cuddled up on the couch, and we laughed hysterically as 'Ouiser' said "I'm not crazy, M'Lynn. I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years!" Perhaps you're just like Ouiser, maybe you're not crazy. You've just not cried in 10 years.

We smiled when Shelby got married to the man she loved, and conceived the baby she wanted so badly.

Then, we got to the end of the movie, the last fateful 15 minutes, where everything goes to shit. My mom just let the tears roll down her face, and drip down her chin, over and over. I cried, too, mainly because it's hard to watch someone else cry and not cry with them. (I still do it sometimes in sessions with clients.) When the credits rolled, my mom's tears stopped, and she rolled her shoulders back, cracked a grin, and said, "I feel better now."

So maybe, just maybe, what you need in order to allow yourself to cry is a 'Steel Magnolias' movie night. Maybe you need to cry with someone else. Maybe you need to announce it, and then, go do it. Maybe you need to overcome the fear that crying makes you vulnerable, because not crying is what actually leads to vulnerability and an inability to cope.

Not crying leads to further illness, more distress, and more shame. And we're not about that life here, friends.

Shed your tears and find healing. Let them serve their purpose and soothe the wounds within your soul.

And if you need a therapist who gets it, I'm just a phone call, email or text message away. If you want a space where you can learn how to cry without shame, I'm ready to help you create that space within your life. You can schedule a free consultation with me right here, if you'd like to work together.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,

Megan

"See How We Have Boundaries During the Holidays? Very Demure. Very Mindful."

Hi friends!

Happy Thanksgiving week, if you celebrate. As a therapist, I can say two things about the holidays and they are both true: 1) The Holidays are Hard without Boundaries, and 2) The Holidays with boundaries can also be hard, even if you love the season, even if your family is healthy, even if you like the hustle and bustle. And here's why: any change in routine is hard during this time of year. Gee, routine changes seem to be par for the course these next two months. Kids are out of school randomly. Your work wants you to host an extra holiday party, that no one wants to go to. There's like 32 potlucks you have to participate in. Your husband just told you about his Christmas party for work, and it's next week. Gasp. Oh, and you haven't quite figured out how to navigate the conversation at the dinner table if it turns political or spicy. And, if you're lucky (or you don't plan ahead like me), you still haven't bought any Christmas gifts yet. Yipee!

Doesn't this sound like a joy-filled, relaxing holiday season? Or does your holiday season look like the scene below?

Here's the thing: you can choose not to participate in holidays altogether, which I know some people are doing. Certainly okay if you want to do that. But, for most of us, we want to enjoy the holidays without the stress. And that is also okay, too. How do we do that? Boundaries enters the chat. You set expectations up ahead of time with your family and friends and coworkers so that everyone in your life knows what you're about. Boundaries allow you to know where you responsibilities lie and where they end. So, now is a good time to practice boundaries in order to help you have a less stressful holiday experience.

Here are 5 Example Boundaries You Can Set This Year to Make the Holiday Season Less Stressed and More Simple:

1. "No, I won't be able to do that. Thanks for thinking of me though." - Insert this line in any situation you are in that is causing you to feel undue stress. Random office potluck? No thanks. You get invited to go caroling but it conflicts with your veggin' out time after work? No thanks. Your mom wants you to bring 3 sides and she hasn't asked anyone else to bring anything to the holiday meal? No thanks.

2. "I can see how that makes you feel, and here's how it makes me feel..." Use this one liner anytime a topic comes up that isn't one you'd like to spend hours on. And you get to pick how much you share about your feelings with the person you're saying it to. So, if your Uncle Jimmy wants to debate politics, you can acknowledge that you see his feelings (not that you agree with them!), and also share what you feel. And then, here's the kicker, don't argue about feelings. There's no point. Feelings actually aren't facts, so we don't need to argue about them anyways. -- In fact, use that line too, if you want!

3. "This year, we have set a budget per person for gifts. It's $50 per person (insert the amount you can *actually afford in here)." Ideally, communicate this one early and often to your family and friends. It's okay to set limits on gifts. Or to offer to go to dinner with someone or have an experience with them instead. Memories often are worth more than stuff anyways!

4. "I wish that I could accommodate that request, but I can't." This line comes in handy at any point where you feel like the request in mention is asking for too much (a.k.a. hugging your Grandpa who always makes you uncomfortable physically) or if the ask is one that you really truly cannot support (like when someone asks you to invite a family member that you cannot and will not be able to get along with, no matter what). Notice how I didn't explain why I can't accommodate said request up above. Explanations aren't always necessary, and sometimes they lead to more of a kerfuffle.

5. "Here's where we will be going for _____ holiday and how long we will be able to stay at each gathering." Communicating where you will be and how long you are going to stay helps you keep the fence posts up, so to speak, so you don't find yourself carried away in a stampede of holiday fun (or an argument with your grandma over Tim Walz). Pick a time lower than you think you'll actually stay, so you can leave a situation if you need to, and if you are having a good time, you can stay longer than that. Easier to loosen up boundaries, than it is to tighten them up later.

Additional Advice: Boundaries express our own behavior/expectations. They aren't ultimatums designed to manipulate someone else's behavior. By using the following formula, you'll establish boundaries that are actionable, rather than empty statements meant to give the illusion of significance without truly conveying your values or concerns.

"If ____ happens/keeps happening/doesn't happen, then I will ______ (leave the room, stop by after that person has left, find another time to come visit you, have to leave the gathering, etc.)."

Example: someone keeps offering you a drink but you've declined because you've cut back on alcohol. "If I'm offered another drink, then I will have to leave the gathering. It's important to me to stay sober this year."

Notice we aren't telling a person to do something or stop doing something. We're just communicating what will happen should the problem behavior continue or if something important isn't occurring like it should.

Remember, people can't drive you crazy, if you don't give them the keys to the car.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,

Megan

Lessons from Literature: Tuck Everlasting: Could You Live Forever?

Hi Friends! I hope you all are doing well. I can't believe we are a week+ into November as I write this post. The years go by really fast (it seems that this only happens when things are going well in my life) or they pass by exceedingly slow (when shit is hitting the fan!). What about you? Do your years crawl by, or do you feel like you blink and it's already Thanksgiving?

Today, we're continuing our Lessons from Literature series. Last time, we focused on the book "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley. Presently, we are focused on the book "Tuck Everlasting" by Natalie Babbitt. The novel focuses on a young girl, Winnie, who meets a peculiar family in the woods, The Tucks. She becomes enamored with Jesse Tuck, the seventeen year old boy, who the readers come to find out, is actually 104 years old. Jesse and his family drank from a mysterious spring of water 104 years ago, and have lived frozen in time ever since. They don't age. They can't die. They're immortal. The rest of the novel moves at a brisk pace, with Jesse giving Winnie a bottle of the spring water and asking her to drink when she turns 17, so they can be together forever. No spoiler alerts here, but I do urge you to go read this book, if you get the chance. It's absolutely lovely and heartbreaking and deep. Below are two of my favorite quotes from the novel:

"What we have, us Tucks, it's not living. We just are. Like rocks on the side of a mountain."

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of unlived life, you don't have to live forever, you just have to live!"

What's the lesson here? I think the main question is "Could you live forever?" And my follow up question, "If you could live forever, what would you change about your current life? Could you live forever living with everything in your life exactly as it is?"

For me, I wouldn't choose immortality. The idea of outliving the people I love sounds devastating. Imagine living forever and never seeing the world in any different lights or perspectives, because you know that you'll see it again, tomorrow and every day after that. Isn't half the beauty in the world captivating because it's finite? For example, have you ever looked at the face of a newborn baby and then followed them into toddlerhood and beyond? Part of why people reminisce about the 'newborn days' is because they have an end to them, which makes them precious.

It is an interesting thought, though, about what you would change if you were to become immortal. Would you continue to work? (Maybe not in the same way you do now.) Would you stay with the same partner? (Would marriages last if people knew they had to make it work forever? Till Death Do Us Part sounds like a looonngggg time already-- what if 'death' never came? What then?) Would you pursue something like a degree or the arts, because you know you have all the time in the universe to do so? Would you adventure more? Travel more? Enjoy food, music, dance, art more?

Perhaps the message we can learn from Tuck Everlasting is that you don't need eternity to make necessary changes in your life to live the rest of it meaningfully. Maybe we don't require immortal life in order to live full existences. Maybe all we need is an appreciation for the now.

And, if you're curious about what living life meaningfully would look like for you, give me a shout via email at info@giftofgritcounseling.com, or schedule a consultation call with me here.

Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,

Megan