Put Your Visor Up: Changing Automatic Negative Thoughts

Hi friends!

I hope you are doing well. I have been remiss in not doing consistent blogging. While I wish I could promise you consistency, that probably isn't the case with me. My creativity is truly limited to when I get an idea for a post that just won't go away.

What are Automatic Negative Thoughts?

Have you ever felt like your vision or perception of events was obscured? What typically creates this sensation for you? For me, I often find that I struggle with negative thinking patterns (sometimes called Automatic Negative Thoughts or ANTs, for short). Take a gander at this article by Harvard University that explains ANTs in greater detail.

Negative thoughts can make a normally clear issue suddenly opaque and difficult to navigate. Whenever you find yourself in a new situation, such as a first date or a job interview, you may think, "This is not going to turn out well. I can already tell based on how nervous I feel." Subsequently, one of two scenarios unfolds: either the situation goes poorly, validating your initial pessimistic belief, or it goes smoothly, which you dismiss as a rare occurrence rather than the likely outcome in similar situations.

I compare Automatic Negative Thoughts to looking at the world through a windshield covered partially by a sun visor flipped down. Have you ever peered through a windshield and forgot you had left the visor down? This alters your perspective, obstructs your view, and can be difficult to immediately detect since it doesn't completely block the entire view. Automatic Negative Thoughts operate in a comparable manner: they distort your viewpoint, hinder a clear understanding of the current situation, and may not be readily apparent to you. During a recent road trip with my spouse, he repeatedly pointed out the sky, prompting me to squint and attempt to peer around the sun visor I had flipped down earlier, rather than flipping it up.. When I realized what was happening, I laughed, shoved that visor out of the way, and snapped two pictures to showcase the significant difference.

Sun visor view of the road ahead

Clear view of road through windshield

Here's what it looked like once I lifted my visor!

Shifting your Negative Thoughts

I am asking you the following question: How is my thinking obscuring or altering my perspective or view of the situation? Is there any alternate view or a way to see things differently? Can I find a way to 'flip up my visor' so I can see clearly?

Once you master the skill of noticing when your visor is down (a.k.a. negative thoughts have entered the chat), you can work on ways to question yourself and shift your visor out of the way. This doesn't mean you move to the positive, opposite statement from the negative, limiting belief you currently are holding dear. Shifts like that are often why people struggle with changing their thinking. They're trying too hard, and the alternative belief doesn't ring true to them or prepare them for the possibility of failure or difficulty.

So, your brain isn't really concerned with making you happy. It's focused on keeping you alive. This can lead to some pretty pessimistic thoughts, however. Basically, your brain is wired to recall risky situations from the past and use that info to help you stay safe in the future. When people try to change their thinking to "something more positive," your brain automatically moves away from that shift, because it won't serve the ultimate goal of 'keep you alive!'

Reflecting on the earlier example discussed in this post regarding preparing for a first date, we can examine the common errors people make when attempting cognitive restructuring or altering their mindset. Many individuals tend to begin by stating a positive opposing belief, such as declaring, "This date will be amazing. We'll probably end up getting married!" Consequently, they may come to realize that their 'positive conviction' lacks impact and appears to ignore their own feelings of anxiety or nervousness before a potentially anxiety-inducing situation. This self-dismissal is comparable to self-gaslighting. To enhance your mindset or 'shift your perspective,' consider transitioning from the assertion, "This won't go well. I'm extremely nervous." to a more balanced affirmation like "I do feel nervous, and I believe I can deal with this sensation, regardless of how this date unfolds."

Here's a formula to help you find a more neutral, helpful statement:

Acceptance (of your feelings/fears) + Confidence (in your ability to cope) - Any Predictions about the Future = Healthier, More Flexible Thought Patterns

The challenge this week is to work on just noticing when your perspective is shielded or changed by the visor (or negative thoughts) in your way. Give yourself permission to ask yourself if you need to flip up the visor or identify a more neutral thought. Ask yourself questions about the view or situation to facilitate your thinking towards more flexibility. A flexible brain can keep us safe and (moderately) happy!

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Megan

'It Ends with Us:' A Movie Review

Hi friends! I hope you are all doing well. Remember when I did the blog posts where a therapist ruins your favorite movies... Well, I'm baccccccckkkkkk!

And I'm here to discuss the good, bad and the ugly related to the newest blockbuster, 'It Ends with Us,' the film adaptation of the novel by Colleen Hoover. First off, can we leave space to acknowledge all of the drama between Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni? WHOA.

Okay, but you wanted to hear my thoughts on the movie. A few caveats: the book and the movie are about intimate partner violence, so if you go into the film thinking it's going to be a lighthearted comedy or romance, you will be sorely disappointed. There are a few scenes that I think could be very triggering to women, and so I am putting that information in this post. If you don't want any spoilers, now is the time to stop reading.

• The Good:

  • The film showcases how persistent and charming an abusive partner can be for many months, until they get their partner 'locked down' in some way (in a relationship, living together, marriage, expecting a child together, etc.) before showing their true colors.

  • The violence starts out as 'accidents,' a common technique used by abusive partners in order to make survivors question reality and their sanity. It's like gaslighting but on overload.

  • Generational patterns of abuse are shown, which is often missing from film or creative depictions of trauma.

  • When Lily asked her mother why she didn't leave her father, her mother states, "It would've been harder to leave... and I loved him." This illustrates the complexity of emotions survivors feel when considering the prospect of leaving. If you're interested in more commentary as to why people stay in these relationships, please have a listen to the podcast "Why She Stayed," hosted by Grace Stuart, who is a survivor and domestic violence advocate. I think she eloquently approaches this subject matter in her podcast and in her Instagram Account @gracestuart26 as well.

• The Bad:

  • While I'm grateful that the level of violence shown onscreen wasn't the same level of violence written in the novel, I will say that the power/control dynamics were not displayed well, or at all. Perpetrators of abuse don't start the cycle of abuse by hitting you accidentally. They start it by tearing you down verbally, isolating you from trusted family or friends, lying to you/manipulating you, and then treating you with kindness or acting as if it's 'all good' the next day. I won't say this is how all relationships with IPV or DV present, but the majority are not like the movie.

  • If the story were more accurate, Ryle (the abusive partner) would have come in, swept Lily off her feet (which he did) and then slowly disintegrated her relationships, made her question her self-worth, and then perhaps even discouraged her from owning a business. A perpetrator's goal is high levels of power and control within the relationship. A woman owning her own business and thus having a means of power (and access to escape) would be a threat to the abuser. Abusers eliminate all threats to their power and control systemically and slowly.

  • When Lily tells Ryle she wants a divorce, she tells him while holding their child with no witnesses present. None. And yes, I know it's more dramatic this way, but is completely unsafe. If you are leaving an abusive relationship, do not tell them in person alone. Ever. Create an escape plan, leave and don't tell them where you are. Serve them with papers and never, ever be alone with them again.

  • When Lily leaves, we only see Ryle call once and text a few times. in reality, this would have been the moment that the stalking would have began, if not before.

  • Lily's best friend, who is Ryle's sister, tells her to leave him, and they remain friends. While I loved the girl power moment, in most instances, family members of perpetrators tend to side with the abuser. Think of how our society acts when we find out a man has been accused of multiple years of sexual misconduct or abuse. I can hear the chorus of "He's such a good guy. I just can't believe it." The good guy image is a facade and families and friends believe it because they haven't lived close enough to see the person underneath the mask.

• The Ugly:

  • The violence scenes are intense, particularly one scene where Ryle attempts to sexually assault Lily. The depiction is intense and scary, and had me wanting to crawl out of my seat. Beware if you have a trauma history, this may be too much for you at this point in your recovery.

  • There was also no trigger warning or information provided at the beginning or end of the film directing people to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the YWCA. I'm going to link those here.

In short, the movie 'It Ends with Us' does some things well, and some things poorly. A film with this subject matter has a certain responsibility to portray things accurately or at the very least, provide connection to resources. This film did neither. If you want to go see it, go with my blessing, but go in with your eyes open. May we all have the courage to support our friends, our sisters, our mothers, our aunts, when they try to leave and say, "It ends with me." And if you're in need of help ending the cycle yourself, find a good therapist who has knowledge of power and control dynamics and can support you during the abuse cycle, and in subsequent recovery.

Take exquisite care of yourself,

An Open Letter to the Mom Who Has Lost a Baby:

I know you. I recognize you in the slope of your shoulders, the grim line of your lips, the tension in your back. I see your heart, mama, and I hear how it beats for, longs for, your baby to be here in your arms again. I see you trying to hold it together at work, at home with your other kids, with your family members who are pregnant "and it was surprise!" I hear the fights you have with your spouse when they are too silent, and too sad to be with you in the way you need them to be. I can feel the hot tears that well up any time you see a baby, or a pregnant belly. I know that you sometimes are deeply envious of women who seem to get pregnant and assume there will be a baby at the end. You are jealous of the naivete and innocence you used to feel prior to your child's death. You feel like you're stuck on a ride you can't get off, or you've been inducted to the "The Club I Never Wanted to Be Part of." You feel like your chest is cracked wide open, as if your essence, your soul, is pouring out of this wound that you are certain will *never* heal.

Sometimes, you feel tormented by grief, like your ribs are rubbing your heart raw. You are doing the best you can, and it doesn't feel like you can handle much more.

Here's the thing: You do deserve for your baby to be here, and it's so freaking unfair they aren't. You aren't crazy. Your feelings of resentment, anger, sadness, jealousy and bitterness are okay. You may believe you will always feel this way, and I'm here to tell you that you will feel differently someday. It won't feel as raw. You will have a good life. But, it will be altered, forever, by the tiny person you don't have with you here in this physical realm.

Healing starts with dreaming and building a life that is good enough. It means finding joy in little moments. It can mean rebuilding trust and intimacy with your partner outside of HAVING A BABY (I used all caps here because I know that's how it feels in your mind right now). Healing can look like creating in other ways, giving space to your grief with art, movement, words, music, gardening, etc. When we give ourself space to move through our feelings, the intensity will lessen. It will mean dealing with your guilt you feel about your baby dying or pregnancy ending. It's not your fault that tragedy happened in your life. With help and time, you will become better.

You won't ever forget your baby. I've talked with men and women in their eighties who still tear up when they talk about the children they've lost. A parent's love doesn't diminish with time or distance.

Know that I am thinking of you always. I know you because I am you. I've come through the other side, and I can confidently say, "You will, too."

Take exquisite care of yourself,