How to: Take Back Your Power

Hi friends! I hope you are doing well! Here in Oklahoma, we are enjoying a lovely summer so far. Last night, I sat on the porch while watching the rain softly fall, and it was a delight. If porch sitting were an Olympic sport, I'd be a gold medalist.

Onward to today's topic! How to take back your power... (after an event outside your control happens). This came to me when I was thinking about the later stages of working with clients who initially come in for trauma therapy, after a scary event happens for them, like a sexual assault, a natural disaster, a car wreck, etc. The first portion of trauma therapy is pretty similar for most clinicians and clients. I'll tell you a secret: all therapies work. There is no perfect therapy for trauma! EMDR works, CBT works, IFS works, CPT works, Brain spotting works, ART works, DBT works, and so on and so forth. Therapy works on trauma by doing a few different things: desensitizing the system to triggers by exposure and relaxation, and creating new belief systems after the trauma that allow us to re-establish our trust in ourselves and the world.

Taking back your power is typically a later-stage recovery period in trauma work. I'd argue that most clients don't always make it to this stage, because they get through a majority of trauma counseling, and feel better and they cease treatment. No shame in that at all. Sometimes that's all you want from counseling is to feel better and when you've accomplished that goal, you're good (for a while). When clients come to see me, it may be because they're like, "Oh, so I thought I was done, but this stuff is still stealing my power." Our work then becomes about how to take their power back, how to empower yourself again, after your sense of power and control has been stolen from you.

Step one is to define what a good life for you looks like post-trauma. It's different for every client. I can't define it for you, and neither can your mama, your boyfriend or your nosy neighbor. You have to say, "Okay, I'm alive. I made it after the terrible thing happened. How do I thrive again?" For one client, it was creating art again after an event had made her question her ability to create. All of us have to decide what thriving looks like for us as people and then go recreate that life in small measurable steps. You won't get there in one day, and you won't get there in one year. But, if you keep moving forward, you will get there. I promise.

Step two is setting boundaries that ensure your sense of safety, but still allow you to forge relationships at a pace that is doable for you. My clients that are healing from toxic relationships with childhood caregivers often still long to be close to those people. And to that, I say, "You are an adult now. You can keep yourself safe. You set the pace of any and all relationships in your life. You accept when people won't change and you change whatever you need to, to maintain your wellbeing."

Step three is learning to trust yourself again. If we think of trauma as disrupting our relationship with trusting ourselves and the world us, it makes sense that we have to work to get to a place where that trust can be fostered within ourselves again. Your child parts are longing for you to be in charge, to keep them safe, to listen to their warnings and heed their lessons. Trust is built in the small everyday actions of showing up for yourself and all of your parts, even the ones you aren't sure you love. It means taking care of your needs, and prioritizing them even in the face of a people pleasing attitude, often cultivated in a chaotic, scary childhood. It means giving yourself credit when you make mistakes, take responsibility and attempt to fix them. It means being there to catch yourself when you fall, to remind yourself that no matter what, you've got this. You will survive.

You are worthy of long-term recovery from trauma, and you deserve to take back your power. Know that I am rooting for you, and if you decide you want to work towards that goal, please send me an email or reach out to me for a consultation. I'd love to partner with you on the next step of the journey.

Take exquisite care of yourself,

"Plantin' Them Roses Instead: A Reflection on Maturity and Music"

Hi friends!

I hope you are well. I am doing great, just basking in the summer sun and enjoying the peace that comes with being content with where I am, and where I'm headed. Today, I thought I would share my thoughts on something a little different, a song. Kimberly Perry, formerly of The Band Perry, has released a new song titled, "If I Die Young, Part 2", and it is a delight. See the video below.

But first, I have to give you some context about the original song by The Band Perry, "If I Die Young." I was OBSESSED with this song at the tender age of sixteen. I was morbid, romantic, and dramatic, as teenagers often are, and the lyrics in "If I Die Young" spoke to my adolescent soul. When I say I was obsessed, I mean it. At one point, I journeyed to a local cemetery, photographed moss-covered headstones, and combined the lyrics and pictures into art for my senior art class project. I went searching for that artwork the other day and couldn't find it, but I sure wish I had kept it, if for no other reason, than to show the teens I see in therapy now that I do *understand* what it's like to think about deep and morbid things at a young age.

When I saw Kimberly Perry had released a part two to her band's most famous song, I leapt onto Spotify to listen, and I wept. Her words are so powerful, her wisdom is palpable, and her heart has matured. It's what happens to all of us, as we grow up. Or, at least, it's what we hope happens, if we are lucky enough to keep living.

Now that I have held a child in my arms who has died, grieved the loss of three other babies, and worked through the trials that grief can put a person through, I am grateful to have the gift of time. I am happy to say I lived through it, and I am happy to see how my roses turned out, even if the plan for the garden changed from what I originally pictured. Flowers are still beautiful, even if arranged differently.

We recognize that instead of wishing for a romantic and beautiful death surrounded by roses, we should be 'plantin' them roses instead." As she sings, "the sharp knife of a short life, now I know better there's no such thing as enough time." So I ask you, dear readers, what song would you say eclipses your teenage self, and what song represents your growth now? How are you planting your roses now? How are you passing along your name before it's on a headstone?

I hope you find equal parts of romanticism and maturity and peace and contentment as you continue to grow older. I know I have, and I am glad that "I've had time to bloom."

Take exquisite care of yourself,

Attachment Problems or Problematic Relationship?

Hi friends! I hope you are doing well. I'm back with an interesting topic that has come up multiple times in my career as a therapist: abandonment and the fear of it.

What is the fear of abandonment, you ask? It is a feeling of insecurity in a relationship, where negative thoughts contribute to a person's anxiety regarding the 'steadiness' of their current partnership or friendship. It is often irrational and does not respond well to logic. It can feel overwhelming, and frightening. It can make you feel like you're going 'crazy' if your partner or friend doesn't text back in a timely manner, gets upset with you, or forgets an important date. You might find yourself constantly scanning for signs that impending doom is on the horizon.

Fear of abandonment usually originates in childhood. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, mused that children come into this world pre-programmed to form attachments (both physical and emotional) to their caregivers in order to increase their chances of surviving to adulthood. These bonds we form with our caregivers can effect how we relate to our intimate relationships presently. A fear of being abandoned is developed when our caregiver was inconsistent in responding to our cues and needs as infants and young children. For example, an inconsistent response might look like responding to a baby's cry the first three times, and then ignoring their cry and looking at one's phone the next two times. The baby doesn't know what to expect from their caregiver so often they will escalate their behaviors in order to get their need for attention met. I use the word 'need' there on purpose. Babies who do not get this need met suffer from smaller brain sizes and less neural connections, as seen here in this research study where they compared children from healthy homes and children from homes or orphanages with severe emotional/physical neglect.

Here's the thing though: adults need attention from our personal relationships, too. We don't function well when the lines in our relationships are blurry or otherwise unclear. This seems to show up a lot in my sessions with clients, where they will tell me they have a fear of abandonment, which may very well be true, but then they tell me all about their partner or friend who, either consciously or subconsciously, triggers this fear with their actions (or lack of action). So, today, I thought we could do a quick exercise to help us distinguish between a fear of abandonment or... actually being abandoned by people who claim to love us.

There's a few questions to ask ourselves to determine if our reaction is past-based (thus not really our partner's fault) or present-based (and possibly be because of our partner's behaviors).

1. What are my requirements in a relationship to feel safe?

2. Have I communicated these requirements to my partner?

3. Is my partner willing to abide by these requirements or are they unable to do so?

In using these questions, you can then begin to determine for yourself what you need to feel supported by a romantic partner. I tell people that attachment requirements need to be specific, and attainable by both parties, and they must be agreed upon by everyone in the relationship.

Examples of safety protocols might be wanting a phone call from your partner before they head home from work, sharing passwords (if in a long term committed relationship), spending time together before bed, etc. These have to be determined by each individual, so they are typically very personalized. The important thing to remember is this: 'Is my partner capable and willing to do these things? Are they doing things that actively work against my emotional safety?'

Only you can know in your heart if the person you are with is able to help you manage your wounded attachment style gracefully. And the person you will always be in relationship with is yourself. If you are operating from a place of meeting your emotional needs, and are curious, open-minded, courageous and creative, then you already know the right answer for you. Don't convince yourself that it's always 'you' that is the faulty one.

Take exquisite care of yourself,