Hi friends,
I hope you are doing well. I am good, although busy and slightly overwhelmed with the holiday season we are in currently.
Today, I thought I would tell a personal story, and I promise that it will be relevant to you. Here's what I want you to keep in mind: Many of the clients I see are ashamed of their tears. They feel vulnerable when they cry. It's scary to feel that way, and perhaps they even grew up in homes where they weren't allowed to cry. Ever. Maybe they feel out of control when they cry. Many of them apologize for crying in my office, which is literally the place to cry.
With that in mind, what do we do when you need to cry, like really really need to? You know that moment, where your eyes are stinging, you can feel the liquid welling up under your eyelids and there's a burning in your throat that won't cease. But you just can't or won't allow yourself the reprieve and relief of tears falling down your face.
Have you ever wondered what the benefit of tears are? Well, tears are essential to healing and emotional regulation. Here's a couple of interesting facts about crying:
Crying actively releases cortisol, one of the stress hormones. It's a way for your body to self-regulate, and by suppressing this urge, we actually increase our levels of stress hormones in the body. (Vingerhoets AJJM, Kirschbaum C.,1997.).
Crying is also a self-soothing behavior (Gračanin A, Bylsma LM, Vingerhoets AJ. , 2014.). It helps you activate your Parasympathetic Nervous System, which is your rest and digestion system.
Crying also helps to clear bacteria from your eyes, and may even reduce your susceptibility to the ill effects of dangerous substances, like anthrax. (Sung K, Khan SA, Nawaz MS, Cerniglia CE, Tamplin ML, Phillips RW, Kelley LC., 2011).
Now that we've got the science out of the way and you believe me that a good cry is just what you need. Please allow me to share a personal story with you to make it even more evident.
"Nana," my maternal grandmother, experienced a tragic car accident at 44 when a disabled driver crossed the median, resulting in a collision. The driver and his passenger both lost their lives, and although my grandmother was expected to die, she miraculously survived after being extracted from the car by the 'jaws of life.' At the time, my mother was 27 and just two weeks away from marrying my father. Consequently, Nana embarked on a lifelong journey of recovery from the accident's impact, which left her face crushed, her ankles shattered, and her back compressed and twisted.
Needless to say, multiple lives, including those of my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother, were irrevocably altered at that moment. One summer evening, several years before Nana's passing, she and Aunt Nita (my mom's sister) tallied up the number of surgeries my grandmother had undergone since that fateful day. They stopped counting after reaching 50 procedures.
The summer I turned 16, my grandmother had back surgery that went awry, resulting in a serious infection. To combat the infection and treat the original back injuries from the car accident, she required 7 surgeries during the sweltering months of July and August. Each day, my mother undertook a one-and-a-half-hour round trip to consult with the doctor and be there for my grandmother, who was often unconscious and gravely ill. That summer was challenging for all of us.
This is where the story touches on tears and the impact of crying. One day, my mother returned home with a DVD case from BlockBuster (do you remember the thrill of those blue DVD cases?), and told me, "I'm feeling very sad and I know I need to cry, but I just can't. I can't seem to make it happen. So I'm going to watch 'Steel Magnolias' and cry. You're welcome to watch it with me, but just be aware that's what I need to do."
We cuddled up on the couch, and we laughed hysterically as 'Ouiser' said "I'm not crazy, M'Lynn. I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years!" Perhaps you're just like Ouiser, maybe you're not crazy. You've just not cried in 10 years.
We smiled when Shelby got married to the man she loved, and conceived the baby she wanted so badly.
Then, we got to the end of the movie, the last fateful 15 minutes, where everything goes to shit. My mom just let the tears roll down her face, and drip down her chin, over and over. I cried, too, mainly because it's hard to watch someone else cry and not cry with them. (I still do it sometimes in sessions with clients.) When the credits rolled, my mom's tears stopped, and she rolled her shoulders back, cracked a grin, and said, "I feel better now."
So maybe, just maybe, what you need in order to allow yourself to cry is a 'Steel Magnolias' movie night. Maybe you need to cry with someone else. Maybe you need to announce it, and then, go do it. Maybe you need to overcome the fear that crying makes you vulnerable, because not crying is what actually leads to vulnerability and an inability to cope.
Not crying leads to further illness, more distress, and more shame. And we're not about that life here, friends.
Shed your tears and find healing. Let them serve their purpose and soothe the wounds within your soul.
And if you need a therapist who gets it, I'm just a phone call, email or text message away. If you want a space where you can learn how to cry without shame, I'm ready to help you create that space within your life. You can schedule a free consultation with me right here, if you'd like to work together.
Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,
Megan
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