Hi friends!
Happy Thanksgiving week, if you celebrate. As a therapist, I can say two things about the holidays and they are both true: 1) The Holidays are Hard without Boundaries, and 2) The Holidays with boundaries can also be hard, even if you love the season, even if your family is healthy, even if you like the hustle and bustle. And here's why: any change in routine is hard during this time of year. Gee, routine changes seem to be par for the course these next two months. Kids are out of school randomly. Your work wants you to host an extra holiday party, that no one wants to go to. There's like 32 potlucks you have to participate in. Your husband just told you about his Christmas party for work, and it's next week. Gasp. Oh, and you haven't quite figured out how to navigate the conversation at the dinner table if it turns political or spicy. And, if you're lucky (or you don't plan ahead like me), you still haven't bought any Christmas gifts yet. Yipee!
Doesn't this sound like a joy-filled, relaxing holiday season? Or does your holiday season look like the scene below?
Here's the thing: you can choose not to participate in holidays altogether, which I know some people are doing. Certainly okay if you want to do that. But, for most of us, we want to enjoy the holidays without the stress. And that is also okay, too. How do we do that? Boundaries enters the chat. You set expectations up ahead of time with your family and friends and coworkers so that everyone in your life knows what you're about. Boundaries allow you to know where you responsibilities lie and where they end. So, now is a good time to practice boundaries in order to help you have a less stressful holiday experience.
Here are 5 Example Boundaries You Can Set This Year to Make the Holiday Season Less Stressed and More Simple:
"No, I won't be able to do that. Thanks for thinking of me though." - Insert this line in any situation you are in that is causing you to feel undue stress. Random office potluck? No thanks. You get invited to go caroling but it conflicts with your veggin' out time after work? No thanks. Your mom wants you to bring 3 sides and she hasn't asked anyone else to bring anything to the holiday meal? No thanks.
"I can see how that makes you feel, and here's how it makes me feel..." Use this one liner anytime a topic comes up that isn't one you'd like to spend hours on. And you get to pick how much you share about your feelings with the person you're saying it to. So, if your Uncle Jimmy wants to debate politics, you can acknowledge that you see his feelings (not that you agree with them!), and also share what you feel. And then, here's the kicker, don't argue about feelings. There's no point. Feelings actually aren't facts, so we don't need to argue about them anyways. -- In fact, use that line too, if you want!
"This year, we have set a budget per person for gifts. It's $50 per person (insert the amount you can *actually afford in here)." Ideally, communicate this one early and often to your family and friends. It's okay to set limits on gifts. Or to offer to go to dinner with someone or have an experience with them instead. Memories often are worth more than stuff anyways!
"I wish that I could accommodate that request, but I can't." This line comes in handy at any point where you feel like the request in mention is asking for too much (a.k.a. hugging your Grandpa who always makes you uncomfortable physically) or if the ask is one that you really truly cannot support (like when someone asks you to invite a family member that you cannot and will not be able to get along with, no matter what). Notice how I didn't explain why I can't accommodate said request up above. Explanations aren't always necessary, and sometimes they lead to more of a kerfuffle.
"Here's where we will be going for _____ holiday and how long we will be able to stay at each gathering." Communicating where you will be and how long you are going to stay helps you keep the fence posts up, so to speak, so you don't find yourself carried away in a stampede of holiday fun (or an argument with your grandma over Tim Walz). Pick a time lower than you think you'll actually stay, so you can leave a situation if you need to, and if you are having a good time, you can stay longer than that. Easier to loosen up boundaries, than it is to tighten them up later.
Additional Advice: Boundaries express our own behavior/expectations. They aren't ultimatums designed to manipulate someone else's behavior. By using the following formula, you'll establish boundaries that are actionable, rather than empty statements meant to give the illusion of significance without truly conveying your values or concerns.
"If ____ happens/keeps happening/doesn't happen, then I will ______ (leave the room, stop by after that person has left, find another time to come visit you, have to leave the gathering, etc.)."
Example: someone keeps offering you a drink but you've declined because you've cut back on alcohol. "If I'm offered another drink, then I will have to leave the gathering. It's important to me to stay sober this year."
Notice we aren't telling a person to do something or stop doing something. We're just communicating what will happen should the problem behavior continue or if something important isn't occurring like it should.
Remember, people can't drive you crazy, if you don't give them the keys to the car.
Take Exquisite Care of Yourself,
Megan
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